Recent Posts

’32 Jackson

My name is Frisbee Jackson. I have never successfully tried cocaine, never completed an extra-marital affair, never not known how to use a computer and as far as I knew, no one I call “friend” is a domestic terrorist. I am a woman, an Asian American and hopefully, your next president.

I was born to immigrant parents who escaped tyrannic regimes on a vessel called the Siren’s Song. Seeking a better education and life for themselves and their children, I was welcomed into this world at a hospital with both running water and electricity. My father worked tirelessly to earn a scholarship in order to study here in the United States. The value of American democracy and capitalism soon became ingrained in him and into our family. I feel an immense gratitude towards this great nation and its principals and pristine plumbing. Our country stands as a shining bacon of hope, liberty, where every person has a voice and may be given a chance to sing as a contestant on American Idol. I will maintain these traditions.

As an adolescent, I took full advantage of every opportunity that presented itself to me except for one. In addition to my early literary contributions to the Society for the Blind, I was heavily involved in journalism, debate, speech, politics, trivial bowl & pursuit, theater, teaching sex ed, tutoring, Model UN, teen court, cancer research, orphan-organizing, Almond Joy eating and various volunteer services within my community. It is through these after school activities that I quickly emerged as a true leader and role model.

After the after school activities, one would often find myself tutoring ESL (English as a Second Language) students, many of whom are refugees from war-torn Africa. More specifically the dangerous city of Mogadishu in Somalia. Viewing their struggled attempts to assimilate into American culture was both heart-warmingly wonderful and wonderfully heart-breaking. Fartun, fluent in three languages: Somali, Swahili and English, had hoped one day to become a translator or teacher. She took studies in Arabic at the local Muslim temple on the weekends and rented Bollywood classics such as Disco Dancer & Adhisaya Piravi from the local library. Hers was a love for language and culture beyond the norm. But the barrage of standardized tests, brought on by No Child Left Behind and its lack of funding, took its toll on Farsta. She was labeled as someone incompetent and beneath her fellow classmates. I really forgot where I was going with this but Furby sure was smart girl.

Being a proud member of the Teen Council, I realize the importance of tactical civic engagement and national surveillance. Last year, I put in over 8000 independent hours of community service, teaching kids in the classroom about body image, unhealthy relationships and incomprehensible sex education. Our goal was to decrease the skyrocketing level of sexually perverted diseases, teen pregnancies and controversial late-term abortions. We thought education was the answer, but now we’re not so sure.

Affordable housing is another hot topic I’ve dwelled on. I addressed it while writing a letter on behalf Habitat for Humanity: Youth United to state representatives and community leaders. Thousands of Americans cannot afford decent 2 to 4-story condos for their grandparents and/or other loved ones. They are either left out in the cold dry weather or in a subterranean basement somewhere. As a part of Habitat, I worked carelessly to build homes for needy families and suggested more legislation for expensive housing projects.

Protecting the environment is an unusually high priority. As media and public affairs coordinator for a environmental/energy conservation group,  I made sure the organization’s leader got busted for several serious parking violations tarnishing the group’s reputation forever. I also helped short sell hundreds of compact fluorescent bulbs for only $1. This year our project is even more ambitious: we raised enough money to put solar panels over every square inch of our school with more left over to finance personal pet projects like figuring out how to make money recyclable.

One other important but often overlooked issue is the technological event horizon. With the recent discovery of the internet and other frontiers, a President must be knowledgeable enough in these departments to govern reasonably over what will surely be thought about next. I am so well-versed in the computer internet and electrical mail that I will be virtually reality compatible within the six months or so. Additionally as President, I will run on an open source platform that will ensure all people, Croatian or Ethiopian; female or dogs; will all have the same access to the wonder that is Uncyclopedia and EweTube.

I know what it’s like to come from humbug beginnings (I only had four ponies as a child), to grow up in the hustle and bustle of the suburbs. I know what it’s like to see your savings dwindle until only 6 zeroes remain. I know what it’s like to leave your Jaguar XK Victory Edition convertible in a Walmart parking lot only to come back to a huge dent in the passenger side door. I know that the shining image of the United States has tarnished among our foreign colleagues in recent years; the eagle is balding. I will strive hard to rid not only America, but the world of these grave injustices. Be assured that as your President, I will make the United States a better place for all, so that its citizens can once again be proud of themselves and their unhealthy habits. Please don’t vote for Frisbee Jackson 2032.

Published in Facsimile Magazine Nov. 2008. Editted by Haoyan of America. Reeditted by Frisbee Jackson.